Sunday, 11 January 2015

Fanfiction Review: My Disco

Hey there fellow bags of meat.

It is I, the seal. harpseal2. Huge fucking faggot. Yeah, I know.

It's been a real long time, y'know. Three fuckin' years since I posted my final fucking fanfic review.

A lot has happened in those three years, man.

1) I learnt to play guitar, and now I'm better than Eric Clapton (who sucks shit).
2) I started an account on FimFiction, and I have been continuing to write uninspired drivel on that autistic fuckhole.
3) ...nothing else really.

Well, I decided to come out of the closet fanfic review retirement, and I'm reviewing one last fic. Yes, people, this is my last shot.

Today, we are reviewing My Disco, by famed Fimfic author...



harpseal2.

This is my favourite fic that I wrote.

Warning!: Contains gore, violence, copious amounts of unpleasant language, and all around icky poo-poo-ness.

Continue on from the page break!


Hospitals are dark places. Full of diseases, sickness, and death.
No shit Sherlock.
I hate hospitals. I used to have to go to them all the time. I was flying at an early age, and I would always bump into things. Hard enough to break legs. I cracked my skull right fucking open once when I smacked into a tree. Luckily, Dad was around, and he rushed me right to hospital. Thanks to him, I was okay. It hurt a lot.
This fanfic will hurt a lot hhahaahahahahahahah geddit.

God damn, my old jokes were so fucking forced and cringey. Motherfucker. Did you people actually enjoy this?
None of that matters, now. I was in the Ponyville Hospital, for what should have been a joyous moment. I was expecting a newborn foal. Soarin rushed me to the hospital as fast as his (and my) wings would carry him. Three long, painful hours later, I gave birth to the foal. They didn't tell me the gender, they were busy inspecting it.
"Ma'am," the Nurse started, "We believe your foal... may have some disabilities." 
I started panicking. What if the foal was disabled? I couldn't look after a disabled foal. I would need a second job to get by. The Wonderbolts are, somehow, going out of fashion. No-pony goes to see them anymore, strangely. When I was a filly, I would save up ALL my pocket money to see them when they came to Cloudsdale. My Dad would get pissed, because I spent ALL of my pocket money to see them.
On an unrelated note, I've never seen an episode of MST3K or whatever. I haven't taken any influence from them.
I'm getting off topic.
Yeah, you are. There was the part about the retarded baby.
The nurse came in, and they delivered the "wonderful" news;

"Ma'am, it's a filly..." she started.


I was relieved.

"Unfortunately, she is... has major.. disabilities..."


Autism. Like all of you bronies. It ain't that bad! SONIC DOESN'T HAVE BLUE ARMS.
My heart stopped.
You would die if that happened. Obviously it didn't stop, pastel horse friend. You're heart is fine. Your brain, however...
Fuck.
FUCK.


I cried. The nurse came to comfort me, but she couldn't do shit. Fuck, man, my foal was completely retarded! I'd need to get 4 fucking jobs to look after the little shit!
I couldn't think properly. I was in deep trouble. 
What would Soarin think?
What would he think, readers?


-----
The nurse walked out into the hallway to tell Soarin the news, and he broke down too. We were lucky I even got pregnant. He had such a low sperm count, he was almost sterile.
Almost.

When I found out I was pregnant, I was over the moon! We were gonna have foals! I was so happy.

Everything looked fine on the ultrasound, and every doctor we went to said it would be a healthy baby. How fucking wrong were they!?
Very wrong.
Soarin rushed into my room and the nurses and the doctors left us alone. We had to talk about this.
"How are we gonna survive?" Soarin asked.
"I'll need to get a second, maybe even third job!" I panicked.
"Shit, what are we gonna dooooo?!" 

Dooooo? Dooooo Doo Doo wop!

HAHAHAHA

LIKE THIS FUNNY FUCKING JOKE OH MY FUCKING GOD!
"Maybe, we should say it's somepony else's!"

"It's got rainbow hair like you, Dash!"
 Is that part of the disability?

*rimjobshot*
He's got a point there.

"We should forget to take it home!"

"How could we use that excuse?!"

"We could put it up for adoption?"

"No way we could! Who the fuck would want a baby that deformed?!"

"Maybe we should leave it in a dumpster!"
Takin' out the trash, takin' out the trash, takin' out the trash...

AT NIGHT.




Soarin was shocked, but he realised the situation. We had to fix the problem.

"That's too risky! Somepony will hear it crying!" Soarin reasoned.

I thought hard. We had to take drastic measures.

"Pillow over it's face?"

"They'll think we did it!"

"Frame it on that couple!" I pointed to another couple who walked past our door. 

"It's too fucking obvious, Dash!"
Crush it like Lori in the comics?


"Well, what do you think we do!?" I yelled at him.

"I don't know, sneak into the nursery, take out the deformed little shit and bash it's fucking head in!"

This is where the fic starts getting way better. Also, Burzum is the best band ever.
I stared at him. We were desperate. We didn't have criminal records. We were clean.

They would think it would be somepony else for sure. We'd have to move away from Ponyville. Far away. Change our names. He'd quit the Wonderbolts. I'd dye my hair.

To be honest, I'm getting pretty sick of this town anyway.
 Ow the edge

"I'll do it."

"WHAT?!"

This is the only video I could find without trying to put in the time, sadly. At least it's somewhat related.
"Soarin, they won't think it's us! We're clean!


Spotless criminal records! You're in the Wonderbolts! You wouldn't fuck up your reputation, by doing something as fucked as that!"


"Are you fucking crazy!?"
Yes.
He was freaked. He thought I was insane.


"Listen, Soarin, we move out of Ponyvillle. Far away from this place. We change names. I'll dye my hair. I'll grow my hair out. They wouldn't even recognize us if they saw us," I reasoned.
"This is crazy, Dashie," Soarin was calming down.
No fucking shit.

"You suggested it!"


Soarin was silent.

"It'll work, trust me."
"I've done this before."
Soarin thought about it for a minute. He finally responded.

"You're the one doing it, okay?"

-----

It was dead silent in the hospital. All the foals in the nursery were asleep. Most of the staff had gone home, and the lights were off.

Perfect.

Soarin was currently flying to Cloudsdale to hand in his resignation. After that, he'd buy our train tickets. We would meet outside the hospital and race to the station. He'd already submitted our new names to the board for approval.

It was going to work.

No way it wouldn't.

I had stolen the keys off a hospital worker. Luckily, he worked in the maternity ward, so he had access to the nursery. The lights were on in there, but no-pony was on this level. No-pony would see this, except for me.

I unlocked the door, and I quietly stepped in. I slowly walked over to my foal's cot. I looked into the bed.
Prepare yourself for the greatest line ever written in the history of literature...  
How the fuck did that thing come out of my cunt?
10/10. I mean, just imagine this little horsie actually saying that. Pure comedy gold.


This thing was fucking deformed. It looked worse than a Picasso painting.
I'm not a fan of Picasso, to be honest. A five year old could do it.
It was lucky I was gonna put it out of it's misery.


I picked it up. I held the little piece of shit in my hooves.

I was so disgusted. How could this thing have possibly come out of me? I was actually about to vomit just looking at this thing. Time to get this over and done with.

I threw it at a wall. I heard a sickening crack. It's neck must have snapped.

I walked over to it, and it was still fucking breathing.

Won't be when I'm done with it.

I started pounding my forehooves on it's head. It burst like a rotten egg after a few hits. It was so satisfying. I kept beating it until it was nothing more than small fragments of brain and blood.


I worked up a steady rhythm, hitting the piece of shit so many times.

It was like a dance.
It was like a disco.
It was like my disco.

This is the song it was based off.

Well, that was enjoyable and short. See y'all next time. If there is one,

Farvel, venner. For now.

-harpseal2

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